Common Misconceptions About Couples Therapy

Assumptions that Keep Relationships Stuck in the "Meh" Zone

Recently I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Renata Ellera on her Substack podcast, Love Better Conversations. Our discussion covered many areas of couples counseling, and it reminded me of aspects of couples work that are misunderstood or confusing:

Your relationship doesn’t have to be in crisis to benefit from couples counseling. Yes, I do see couples who are on the brink of separation, often after a betrayal or painful rupture. But many of my couples are simply hoping to strengthen their relationship. They want help improving communication, deepening sexual intimacy, or navigating challenges like stepfamily relationships.

I also see couples who are at the beginning of their relationship. They to want to start off with a strong foundation in areas such as defining their purpose, learning to collaborate and be a team, and developing emotional closeness. In these instances, the focus is prevention.

Not all couples therapy is extensive. Even short-term counseling, sometimes fewer than 10 sessions, can make a meaningful difference. Partners can learn how to talk about difficult topics, work through problems that once felt unsolvable, and pool their strengths and resources with their therapist providing support and direction.

Many couples also seek therapy during times of transition: the arrival of a baby, moving, loss of a parent, job changes, or retirement. Therapy can help partners navigate life challenges together while keeping their connection intact and thriving.

Counseling isn’t about pointing your finger at your partner or making one partner look like the problem. Many difficulties in couple relationships come from circumstances outside the relationship that are not the couple’s fault. Sometimes life demands are so big that they exceed a couple’s ability to cope.

When the relationship frays because of insensitive or hurtful interactions, it rarely means one partner is simply a “bad person” intent on harm. Most often the couple therapist can coach you on relational skills that will bring more awareness and care in how you treat each other, and that can make a big difference in the quality of your relationship.

You may be hesitant to pursue counseling because you assume the counselor will take sides. A skilled couples therapist works carefully to avoid this. In fact, in couples counseling, we often talk about “leveling the playing field.” This means that both partners have equal voice and equal opportunity to be heard. The therapist values each person’s perspective and remains objective so that fairness and balance is upheld.

You’re convinced that therapy won’t better the situation. Partners don’t have to settle for a stagnant relationship. Though the couple difficulties you experience may feel overwhelming, there is reason to be hopeful. Trust can be rebuilt. Repairs can be made. When partners are motivated to grow, they can create a relationship that is transparent, mutually rewarding, and emotionally safe.

When couples ask whether therapy is worth investing time and resources into, I often respond with another question:

How might your life feel to you if closeness returned to your relationship?

Most people say their lives would feel happier, steadier, and more fulfilling. When our closest relationship is going well, life simply feels better.

If you would like to hear more about these ideas, and ways to strengthen your relationship, you can listen to the full conversation between Renata Ellera and me here:

Playing the Long Game in Relationships

Reflection: If your relationship had a bit more support, what might become possible between you?

Invitation to You: Thank you for being a dedicated reader. If this essay felt meaningful to you, sharing it helps support my writing and extends the conversation.

~I welcome your comments~