Beyond "How Are You?"

Creating Moments Where People Feel Truly Seen

As much as we value our friends, colleagues and relationship partners, sometimes the communication between us falls flat.

Alicia has an upbeat personality and smiles easily. On those occasions when she is more reflective, her friend Emily gets concerned and asks, “Are you ok?” This question grates on Alicia, as she feels pressured to say “yes” and put on a cheerful- but fake- face. Yet saying no feels awkward too. Alicia wonders how much Emily really wants to know.

Our sound bite society prefers small talk to deep sharing. The expected answer to “how are you?” is “fine.” With both these questions, there may not be a genuine invitation to expand and divulge. The exchange of pleasantries is safe, but often unsatisfying, because our relationships will rarely deepen from them.

A close friend of mine told me that when we get together, she noticed that it’s just the two of us having conversations. She preferred seeing her friends in large groups at happy hour or a music concert than spend time one-on-one. These big gatherings are fun, and I enjoy the shared laugher and camaraderie. Yet I leave without learning anything new about what’s happening in their lives, both their joys and struggles.

Authentic communication matters as it allows people to be known as they really are, rather than as they think they “should” be. Feeling free to reveal who you really are creates relationships that are richer, more satisfying and more rewarding.

Being genuine in conversation:

Builds trust. When we are honest and disclose our experiences, others are likely to feel more safe with us.

Reduces misunderstandings. Hiding important feelings often leads to confusion. Your words may indicate one meaning, and your body language reveals a different message. When we communicate in a genuine fashion, expectations and needs become clearer.

Supports well-being. Speaking freely allows you to honor who you are instead of pretending to be someone you’re not.

Strengthens emotional intimacy. Whether with friends, family or partners, you will feel closer and connect more deeply when you can be open and vulnerable.

So how can you go beyond the small talk and have a more honest, personal exchange?

One approach is to ask about another’s experience. Here are some examples:

What’s been on your mind today?

I’d love to hear about the highlight of your week.

How are you, really? I know that what you’ve been going through can be hard.

I’ve been thinking about you. What has your life been like lately?

Another approach is to begin by sharing something about yourself before asking a question. You might say to a friend—”I’ve been in meetings all day and my brain is fried. If meetings were shorter, maybe I could take in the information I need to know and not feel so overwhelmed.” After hearing you friend’s response, you can ask about them. Follow it up with, “What has today been like for you?”

When you take the first step by either asking a specific question or sharing something genuine, you give permission for others to do the same. Conversations become less predictable and more meaningful. Your relationships gain depth because you’ve created space for people to be themselves. Bravo.

Reflections:

When someone asks, “How are you?” how do you usually respond? Is it your honest answer?

What questions do you wish people would ask you more often?

How might your relationships change if you spent less time exchanging pleasantries and more time expressing genuine curiosity?

What are your favorite conversation starters, and how might you use one this week to help someone feel a little more known?

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You can find more tips on well-being and relationships in the “Notes” section on my main page.